How to accept that a friendship is over?
Coping with the end of a friendship is unlike any other loss. We choose our friends because we can be ourselves with them. There is no obligation or duty as with family. Friendships are built on affinities and respect to create true bonds. Therefore, letting go of a friend or being let go is very painful and emotional.
As a kid, my neighbor became my best friend. Growing up, he was always at my house and became my guardian angel. He would keep an eye on me, on my frequentations and be like an older brother.
He was like family to me and we were really close. I turned 18, started travelling and that’s when things started to change. Distance settled between us and I felt he pushed me away every time I tried to talk to him . Although, I felt helpless and wondered why things had to change between us, I was also hopeful that our friendship could be saved. Despite my attempts to reconnect with him, I eventually had to abide by his wishes and accept a break that would turn out to be final.
It took me a long time to realize that our friendship had reached its ending. After years of decline, we were just trying to hang on to our great childhood memories and not really having fun in the present anymore. When a friendship becomes more work than fun, then someone has to have the courage to initiate the break-up. He did… Here are the 5 phases I went through in coping with the end of our friendship.
Coping with the end of a friendship:
1. The fight.
We still cared for each other so I tried to understand what he wanted and that’s when he clearly said he thought we should get out of each other’s lives for good. It came as a shock to me and made me really sad. His reasons seemed a little weak. He said we didn’t have much in common anymore, I was travelling a lot, I had moved in with my future husband. After that phone conversation I realized the situation was pretty desperate, but I decided to go see him to see what was left of our childhood friendship.
2. The closure.
I went to his house to talk face to face. He was an hour late and didn’t seem to care It wasn’t like him. I asked him if he still felt the same way about our friendship and he repeated the same arguments he had given me in our last conversation.
He was careless and took everything very lightly. There was no room for negotiation anymore, so I said my goodbyes and walked away. I was hurt, stubborn too and I had my life to live. We never saw each other again.
3. The erasing phase.
Part of accepting the end of our friendship was to cut all ties we had. I deleted his number and completely shut him out. I avoided places where I could run into him and told everyone around me that we were not talking anymore.
It was disappointing to see such a long friendship go to waste, but I was accepting the situation and willing to move forward.
4. Grief.
This phase was the hardest one in coping with the end of or friendship. The following months felt like grief. I missed him often and wondered how he was doing. I was nostalgic of our friendship and felt like it was such a waste.
Not writing him was a battle, but I still checked his Facebook page from time to time. It was hard to pretend he never existed when we had so much past in common.
5. Acceptation and moving forward.
Keeping busy and engaging in new projects really helped me cope with the end of this friendship. I was lucky enough to have met my future husband before the end of this friendship. I focused on this new relationship and worked on my college classes. Eventually, this friendship got stored in the back of my mind and 15 years went by. I always truly hoped he was happy, at peace, and I kept our childhood memories in my heart.
I also realized after a few years that this friendship would have probably been too present and invasive for us to simultaneously have a healthy love life.
“Once best friends. Now strangers with memories”
During the beginning of the pandemic, he messaged me out of the blue. My heart did a 360 in my chest as he was the last person I expected to hear from. I ended our message conversation very quickly because it felt wrong. This story had been told and would not bring anything valuable to my actual and future life anymore.
I was happy to hear that he had become a father and had a wife. He probably felt the same way about me. I know we’ll always carry each other in our hearts, but this friendship is a thing of the past. I wish him the best and I’m glad he was in my life when he was in my life.
An old time favorite end of friendship song for the road! Don’t Speak by No Doubt.
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