Why I didn’t change my name after getting married?
I was born and raised in France and my husband is American. In those two countries, the norm is for the woman to take her husband’s name when she marries him.
I’m not a controversial person; I usually go with the flow and like traditions. I thought I wouldn’t mind changing my last name after marriage. I disliked my birth last name very much anyway, so I was kind of looking forward to it. Dupont was awfully boring and easily distorted for jokes in French. I had dreamed of having a different name growing up so I could avoid the chronic so not funny comments that came up every time I introduced myself…
Belgian Law:
We were living in Belgium when we got married. Strangely enough, there, women keep their birth last name after marriage; it was the law. It had been the law for ages. Changing a last name could only be achieved through a lengthy administrative procedure (that I didn’t want get into). That’s why I didn’t change my name after getting married.
So I kept my name and stayed a Dupont. My husband didn’t mind and didn’t feel less of a man because I didn’t carry his name. I think he understood how changing names after marriage could feel a little archaic for some women anyway.
Came the time to renew my French passport and get my Green Card in order, so I made a few trips to the Diplomatic quarter in Brussels.
French Law:
I remember the French lady who helped fill out my forms. She was surprised that I didn’t carry my husband’s name and didn’t like it at all. She didn’t want me to be a Dupont on my French papers. I thought: “I can’t be a Dupont in Belgium and an Evans in France; it sounds like fraud to me!”. She said she would leave the Dupont and add the Evans right after it. I scringed. I didn’t like it either. I’m a Dupont and nothing else!
I guess in those few minutes, I realized I was attached to my name more than I thought. It was part of me since I was born and it was my identity. I felt that taking my husband’s name gave him some kind of ownership over me. I was going from being my father’s daughter to being my husband’s wife and I just wanted to be no one’s. How to realize you might be more a feminist than you thought in 2 minutes?
So, I stayed a Dupont. I ran into the same problem at the American embassy as it was not the norm and I had to justify myself for not taking my husband’s name. Eventually, everyone left my name alone and I’m still a Dupont today.
Choosing Your Battles:
A few years later, we had kids. The name thing came up again. Since I have two brothers and that the Dupont name was not threatened of extinction, I didn’t have to think much that time. Dupont was my battle, but my kids’ last name would be Evans. It is pretty, common, and easy-peasy.
To me, Evans is the perfect last name. Easy to spell, with a touch of English flare, a little exotic (when you live in Belgium) and super easy to carry. That’s also simply what I say to my kids when they ask me why they carry the name Evans and not Dupont. I don’t overthink it and it works for our family.
No Judging Needed:
I still have to justify myself sometimes; usually towards my husband’s family that lives in the U.S. There, most people think I’m an Evans and are surprised when they find out I’m not. Some might interpret my decision as if I didn’t really want to enter the Evans clan.
I understand that and agree that it is going against centuries of tradition. Again, I was born and raised a Dupont and I could never truly feel like an Evans. That’s just how it is in my heart; that’s why I didn’t change my name after getting married.
I still am part of the Evans family as my husband’s wife and there’s no need to dig any deeper on that topic. I decided for myself despite norms and cultural rules. Almost 17 years later, I don’t regret it at all.
Your last name is a big part of your identity, so think it over before making the decision to trade it in. Trust yourself, and think about who you truly are. It is your decision and there is no good or bad one as long as you feel at peace with it.
Did you change your birth last name after marriage or did you keep the original one? Share your thoughts and let us know how you made the decision?
Check out NewlyNamed’s checklist if you do decide to change your name after all!
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